| Moving to Dunedin - A letter to a Northern KAOS Agent |
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| the Official Truth: |
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Dear Natalia,
It's always good to hear about newcomers to our fine city. Of course, we are always in need of new settlers to replace those kidnapped by the soul-drinking devotees of the evil god Ithorondimort, who have taken over the southern part of town and are frankly causing a bit of a nuisance these days, but having someone of your calibre move down would be a blessing anyway.
Dunedin is a fine city. Even in winter, the temperature can stay above absolute zero for whole minutes at a time. Many of the problems that have afflicted the city in the past are almost under control. For example, incidences of septicaemic plague are now down to levels only slightly higher than can be expected in any normal city in the industrialised world, while great leaps forward have been made in the containment of leprosy, phossy-jaw and thrush. As for the mobs of rampaging walruses and narwhals that used to cause problems for late-night commuters, well, that hardly ever happens these days.
There are, however, a few things to be cautious of. Parts of City Rise are still claimed by various factions in the ongoing war over which colour is the new black, while others are still disputed - the area around Moana Pool, for example, has recently been the scene of heavy fighting between the Beige Corps and the Puce Liberation Front. It has recently come to light that the Exchange area was built on the ruins of an old Mesopotamian temple complex, which certainly explains why all men of marriagable age who venture in there sicken and die within a few hours, only to rise again with the coming of spring. It's happened to a friend of mine a couple of times. Mismanagement of population distribution has, as you may have heard, led to the development of a degenerate race of human-snail hybrids in Chingford Park, who are slowly beginning to spread up north-east valley, but the deployment of elite artillery units with special salt-shooting ordinance around the Gardens Shopping Centre should see that threat curtailed. Indeed, as long as you stay within a kilometre or so of campus, your only worry should be the swarm of irradiated seahorses that recently escaped from the oceanography department. Don't let them get in your hair. They lay eggs. Gets real messy.
Those cautions aside, however, Dunedin is an excellent place to live. After that unfortunate incident with the mayor's dog piddling on the landing gear of their saucer was resolved, the sentient-flounder refugees from the rings of Saturn have proved a welcome addition to our increasingly multi-cultural community, and their arrival is to be recognised by the council with the granting of a regional holiday to mark their new year festival, Rqiglengithwil, which takes place over several seconds every 273.5 years. Signal Hill is home to the South Island's only remaining, self-sustaining herd of Stegasauri, who can often be seen munching the daffodils at the top of the Botanical Gardens. Crime rates are down thanks to the valiant efforts of Mouldman, a mysterious caped crusader who, with his trusty sidekick and life partner Fungus, has captured and imprisoned several major super-villains in the last few months. And the annual custard-flicking festival in the Octagon is not to be missed.
Yes, Dunedin is a fine city, and you are welcome to come and join us. Apart from anything else, I'm sure you just can't wait to get down here and enjoy clothing-optional Fridays.
Joe
PS: The Meridian is haunted.