All entries were at least slightly flawed in one way or another; they assumed the use of articles not on the list (it was a long list), or were full o' cheese, or were highly impractical, or were just common or garden attempts at bludgening the target to death with the contents of the Big Bag o' Ninja Doom (likely to be met with the Pickaxe handle of the Target).
However, you all had a go. You know who you are. Nothing I received was flat-out bad. That sets you apart from all the people who didn't try; you're a tryer. In a sense you're all winners, so give yourselves a pat on the back (no, your back), or take another swig of coke/scrumpy/beer/diesel/cheap-sherry or whatever the hell you're drinking. Go on, you've earned it.
However, in another sense, a more, well, real sense of the word, the following two entries are the actual winners. The use of such plot-devices as hijacked buses and firebomb launchers set them apart. So these two entries, an overall international winner and a regional winner, get their 5 seconds of fame.
So, without further ado, the Title of International Ninja-Masters goes to ... El Presdent and Iskander!
| Aliases | : | El Presdent and Iskander (AKA Iskie, AKA Uber-Isk) |
| Region | : | County Durham, England |
| Branch/Organisation | : | The Guild, Durham University Assassins Society (DUAS) |
| Note: This plan assumes we have the full backing of DUAS and all its members. | It doesn't say "teams" anywhere. Thats points off for Durham. | |
| Phase 1. We all hang onto the outside of a plane to get to NZ - admittedly we could have just got plane tickets, but we really wanted to avoid the airline food. | It sucks if the films bad too. | |
| Phase 2. We head to our Secret Ninja Headquaters of Doom!™, Christchurch Branch. | ||
| Phase 3. Have respective showers, using the bars of soap to clean ourselves after the long flight. Then relax, listening to The Darkness and have a few cocktails - we're jet-lagged and in the Southern Hemisphere, after all. | There's no points for this, but bathing before parties is generally considered appropriate. | |
| Phase 4: We begin construction of costumes - one for a Sexy Female Assassin (patent pending), which includes lots of (removable) feathers, gauzy (teal) fabric and cat ears. The other costume is for a random, blendy in type other member. The costumes will also include a pseudo-random collection of safety pins, duct tape, coat hangers, chewing gum, dryer lint, hair spray (for hair), glitter and the snake as an accessory (it has scales!). We also all take a swig of Nasty Vodka, for dutch courage. The asprin is then disolved in the remaining vodka. | The femme-fatale is a nice touch. Chances of getting the patent are probably quite low however. | |
| Phase 5 alpha: Iskander (an agent) boards a bus in the vicinity of the 'Fur, Feathers and Scales' Party, using the buscard, and hijacks it, with the Cap Pistol. We may not actually need the bus, but it'll keep him busy. In any situation, he drives it in a circle around the relevant area. If we need the bus, it will be mentioned later. If not, Isky ruptures the petrol tank with the Replica Swiss Army Knife, and ignites it with the Lighter before escaping. (er... it destroys the evidence... ah hell with it, we like explosions!) | Because hijacking buses is what we do around here. Admittedly it's been a while since any foreign agents tried to blow anything up in NZ, and they didn't all evade capture afterwards. | |
| Phase 5 beta: Another agent dresses in the brown suit, sun-glasses and carries the umbrella. This agent then goes to the party and wanders around outside looking suspicious. This will be explained later. | Rather like Matthew Angel really | |
| Phase 5 gamma: Sexy Female Assassin™ and Random Assassin, be-costumed, go to the party. Note: Both have taken anti-histamines, to negate any effects of lots of feathers in one place. | Antihistamines and alcohol will make the user quite sleepy. Still, appearing stoned will probably only endear you to Caleb. | |
| Phase 6: The Sexy Female Assassin™ identifies the target (he is not wearing a costume and is not Master Schmoo) and then 'wanders up' and starts to 'chat him up', plying him with spiked vodka. | ||
| Several things may happen now, and we have planned for them all (I hope). | ||
| Scenario 1. The target becomes very drunk by drinking the asprin/vodka mix and goes off, falls asleep and dies from the asprin/vodka. | paracetamol is hard on the liver, but aspirin isn't; and the LD50 for aspirin is quite high, you'd probably need several thousand tablets to kill someone. Kids, don't take paracetamol when drinking, take aspirin instead! | |
| Scenario 2. The target becomes drunk and feels ill. He goes to the bathroom to be sick. The Random Assassin then follows him and garrottes him with the piano wire (with duct tape wrapped around the end, to help gripping) - please note, I have been playing the new Hitman game lots recently, and I have adapted plans from this. The body is hidden in a toilet cubicle. |
This is still quite possible, it's really bad vodka. Perhaps being garrotted while head-down in a toilet is the way Caleb would prefer to go, if somebody wrote it up in his LiveJournal afterwards. |
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| Scenario 3. The target becomes drunk and feels ill. He goes outside to be sick. Iskander runs him down in the bus. | "Flawless Victory" | |
| Scenario 4. Before becoming ill the target beome suspicious of the decoy outside. He will go outside and then be run down(see above), with Isky doing his best not to kill our agent. | There is of course the possibility of crashing the bus and having to flee on foot... | |
| Phase Seven: We all retreat to the Secret Ninja Headquarters of Doom ™, and eat the Popcorn and Peanuts. We then get the Map Of Christchurch, write 'DURHAM WAS HERE' on it with the Ballpoint Pen, leave it in an obvious place, and then escape on an appropriate airplane. | I'm regreting not putting a katana baked into a bagette onto the list now. |
Overall, a strong entry; clever and containing a certain black humour, and yet brutal. The Hijacked bus on standby and the garrotte in the toilets were especially noteworthy. An escape plan would have been a bonus, and the team effort was a minus, but the authors admit to being drunk while writing this. A-
... And the title of Canterbury Ninja Masters goes to ... 'Tiberius Frost' and Richard 'Westy' Westenra!
| Aliases | : | 'Tiberius Frost' and Richard 'Westy' Westenra |
| Region | : | Christchurch, Canterbury, New Zealand |
| Branch/Organisation | : | Canterbury University KAOS |
| The ninja puts down his mission outline, and begins to think. He doesn't know where Caleb lives, or even what he looks like, since his LiveJournal picture is cleverly disguised (cf. Pumpkin on Head). Thus the only remaining option is to ambush him at the party. |
The City has a thousand stories. This is one of them ... (I hope thats pumpkin) |
| The ninja quickly realises that all parties are on or close to the Orbiter route, so the bus card will cover travel expenses. Excellent... | |
| First, weapons. Taking the Phone card, the Darkness cd, and the lid and base of the sardine tin (storing the sardines 'n' sauce in a ziplock bag for later use), the crafty ninja chops these up using the hacksaw blade to make a set of ninja throwing stars. Nothing beats tradition, not even a healthy wooden Chair leg (which he will also chop up into the shape of a baseball bat for easy reference). | If hes bigger and meaner than you, use projectile weapons. Works for Paris/Legolas/Orlando Bloom anyway. |
| Butchering the Darkness is sacrilege, I know, but it's for tradition's sake. Yeah, I know, fuck tradition and all, but well, fuck. We don't have a cd player anyway. | Kids these days, no respect for glam-metal. |
| He will also require a long range projectile, which is a little more complicated. The ninja removes the cap from the hairspray, and inverts the can. To this, he duct tapes the vodka bottle. He then removes the feathers from the cardboard tube, and replaces them with the vodka/hairspray. With the ballpoint pen, he labels this: 'BFG-9000: Point away from face'. | I like it. |
| Next, party preparation. This has to be done in secret, but for a ninja, hardly a problem. The cunning assassin leaves a trail of peanuts across the property leading to a pile of peanuts at the back door. To the pile he adds all of the aspirin. | |
| The next part requires super ninja skills. The clever ninja acquires two store mannequins, one male, one female. If this really isn't plausible, he finds two sticks (of any gender). Propping the male mannequin/stick up on the west side of the building, he dresses this with the brown suit, turned inside out to make a yellow suit. He uses the teal fabric to cover the head. If he really has to use a stick, some imagination is required here. | It would be possible to say, smash a shop window and abscond with a couple of mannequins, but the authors need to go into more detail as to how they intend to do this. They could be pulled apart and stuffed into the big bag, allowing the ninja to scamper away over the rooftops for example. |
| On the opposite side of the venue, he props up the other mannequin/stick, and dresses it with the fluffy ears and the cap gun. | |
| He now walks out into the street. To a nearby lamp post he ties (or duct tapes) the rubber snake. In the opposite direction, he makes a trail of 5c pieces, leading to a nearby alleyway. Across the entrance to the alley, he ties the piano wire, to a drainpipe on one side and a trash can on the other (these things are always found in alleyways), creating an excellent tripwire. | |
| Lights, Camera, Action: Caleb will be at the party. Naturally I, (the ninja assassin), will arrive late (but not as late as many), catching the last Orbiter. After exiting the vehicle, the ninja will don his trendy dark sunglasses. Of course, the lenses have been pre-covered with the tomato sauce from the sardines. Now he can't see, of course, but sight means little to a ninja. More importantly, nobody can see him, since he can't see them (right?) The assassin is now invisible... | Only to the Ravenous Bug-blatter Beast Of Trall, or somebody equally as stupid. Still, the allusion is amusing, and this doesn't seem to affect the plan much; ninjas are naturally stealthy. |
| Whipping out the cardboard tube and it's unusual contents, he uses the cigarette lighter to ignite the can of hairspray, creating a rocket-powered Molotov cocktail! He fires the weapon through an upstairs window, setting the top floor of the venue ablaze. Most people will probably want to exit the building at this point. (I say most because, well, there are some that don't understand certain concepts...). Caleb, sensing danger (my spidey sense is tingling!) will automatically run for the rear exit. | The rocket powered firebomb is far and away the high point of this entry. It's inspired. I'm not sure why our ninja didn't just find a way to use it directly on Caleb. |
| Upon opening the door, however, he will notice that a 12000lb African Elephant, as big as a house (or at least as big as a 12000lb African Elephant) has spotted the trail of peanuts, and eaten them, including the big pile of aspirin on which it has ODed and passed out, blocking the door. A small child or possibly a first-year party enthusiast, drunk on watered-down turpentine, is poking the defenceless animal with a stick while giggling uncontrollably, to little effect. |
WTF!? About here, the entry crosses the line from cinematic surrealism into comic book surrealism. They'll be ordering props from ACME next. Points off for the goddam elephant you space cadets, and you'd need a lot more aspirin. Buckets of it. |
| Caleb, with no time to lose, will run for another door or window, but spot the mannequin in the yellow suit with the green head, thinking it to be Jim Carey from 'The Mask'. He certainly won't want to go that way (the poor guy'll be scared half to death!). Running to the other side of the building he will notice the other mannequin (the one with the ears and hopefully breasts), believing it to be Fiona carrying a gun (also pretty scary). At this point, he may be scared half to death again, killing himself completely, and being burned to pieces (or more likely, just one big burnt piece) in the inferno, but in case he isn't, the cunning ninja has taken extra precautions. |
Ugh, Jim Carey. Wouldn't he just smack him one with the pickaxe handle as retribution for all those bloody awful movies? The Authors have obviously been at the bug-dust powder; Caleb is hardly going to drop dead from fright when confronted with a couple of scarecrows. |
| With no options left, Caleb runs for the front door, and out onto the street. One way, he will notice a rubber snake, and instantly think "AaarGH! A snake! it's a SNAKE! OHhhnnohh..., it's a snake..... it's a badger, badger, badger, badger, ...". Not at all wanting to have to listen to the horribly annoying, mind-warping song playing through his head for god-only-knows how long, he will run the other way, spotting a trail of shiny money! Little does he know that he is being followed by an invisible man... | This is pretty tenuous. There's perhaps a chance however, that he'll stumble into the following trap while fleeing the fire. Otherwise, the ninja will have to pursue him. |
| Following the money, our villain (I think?) will stumble into the alleyway, being foiled by the tripwire, and dropping his pickaxe handle. As he climbs to his feet, the tomato sauce will have just about run off of the glasses of his assassin, and the ninja suddenly fades into existence, blocking the entrance to the alley. | The saucy ninja chooses this moment to make his approach. |
| Caleb should exclaim "NOOOOO!" or words to that effect. At this point, time suddenly slows down and the Propellerhead's "Spybreak - Short mix" starts to play for no discernible reason. The ninja throws the Ninja stars at Caleb, and they spin towards him in slo-mo as he dives in terror, cutting through the backs of his knees, and immobilising him. | Leaving aside the Matrix allusions, the ninja uses the throwing stars on the back of Caleb's knees. |
| Sprinting towards the fallen Caleb, the ninja uses the baseball bat to beat him into submission, and binds him firmly with the length of rope. In order to find out exactly what all of this is about (and because it's funny), he produces the feathers, and tickles his fallen victim in a sick, sadistic fashion (but not in a gay way). Once finished, probably not learning much, the ninja must finally despatch Caleb. Picking up the battered body, the ever-prepared ninja assassin duct tapes the two bars of soap to the bottom of his ninja shoes, creating instant skates, and returns to the burning building with the semi-conscious Caleb. |
And that children, is what the chairleg of the truth is for. Realistically however, the beaten and bloodied Caleb is unlikely to respond to a feather at this point, and it's impossible get wet soap to stick to duct tape. Stop looking at me like that. The author is at pains to point out that he's a straight pervert. Any gay men in our audience will just have to live with the disappointment. |
| Once back at the venue, he enters the property quietly. After all, he's not invisible anymore and people are bound to ask questions. Shoving Caleb onto the steps at a side door, he stuffs his victim's mouth full of unpopped popcorn, and uses the kilt pins to hold it shut. Quietly, he says: "Goodbye, Mr Anderson. I'm going to enjoy watching you die." | Really, the ninja should be wearing the brown suit with yellow lining. |
| With that, he tosses Caleb into the flames, dusts his hands, and makes a quick ninja getaway by helicopter (or possibly bus). Caleb writhes helplessly as the flames approach his head. Finally, the heat causes the popcorn to start popping! Blood and guts fly everywhere, as Caleb's head is blown into tiny pieces of blood and guts (and other things that live inside Caleb's head). Fortunately for the flatmates of wherever the party happened to be, this is cleaned up (more or less) by the roaring flames, and insurance money. And also partly by an angry, 12000lb African Elephant stomping up and down on things. Hey, the place can't have been that clean to start with, and Ninja Master Schmoo never said not to break anything... | The popcorn is inventive, but by the time it starts a-poppin', Caleb will already be a crispy critter. Still, that's the point of the excercise. There's that bloody elephant again. |
An erratic presentation of a good plan, with flashes of definate inspiration and silly humour. The fire provides both the means of dispatching the target, and would cover the ninja's escape. The throwing stars are good, and the firebomb rocket inspired (assuming it works), but the middle of the plan is weak, and covered by absurd flights of fancy. B