The Great Zen-Ninja Round! Apr '04

Protocol

This is a Zen round, as described in the Assassins' Guide; you have to plan an assassination as a kind of thought experiment and submit it to Q (that's me for this round). You may assume you have the items in the list given below.

You have until midnight 2nd-3rd May NZST (or noon 2nd May GMT) to submit your plan to me in writing. Agents who submitted before the original dateline a week previous to this will receive a ½ point bonus when entries are judged (enough to break a tie in their favour). I suggest emailing it to me (in plain text, not word or any other horrible format), or you may also post it on the rounds list, if you want others to admire your genius. If there are diagrams, I suggest putting them online and posting the URL, or arranging their transfer with me ahead of the deadline.

There may be a few days of deliberations after the deadline before a winner is selected. The judging criteria will be imagination, flair and surrealism.

This round is open to all KAOS agents (and recognisable associates) everywhere, and you may distribute this notice to other agents as you see fit. If there are numerous entries from more than one branch, branch winners may be declared, as well as the overall winner.

Please note the following on your entry:

• Your name, codename or nickname as you'd like it to appear on your entry.
• Your email address.
• Your country of residence.
• Your province, state, or county of residence.
• Your branch or club (put N/A if there is no group of any kind in your area).

Entry into the Zen Ninja Round constitutes (non-transferable) permission for us to republish your entry. Copyright remains with the author.

Backstory

"The Man" has had enough. This filth, this obscenity, this reefer madness, this public show of defiance and disrespect cannot be allowed to continue. "The Kids" might get ideas. Deals have been made in smokey back-rooms. Having been promised that a blind eye will be turned to his taking over all of the "Fish"* rackets in the South Island, Ninja-Master Schmoo has unleashed his Ninja minions (that's you), against this menace to society; Tyler Durden Caleb AKA dirtyfilthy.

Your target is Caleb, unless you are Caleb (hi Caleb), in which case your target is Master Schmoo AKA misterschmoo.

For the purposes of this round, imagine that Caleb is 6'2", high on P, and armed with a pickaxe handle. Master Schmoo wears a black suit and sunglasses (even to bed), and is chauffered around in a big black car by his two ninja bodyservants. They will all be at the (mythical) "Fur, Feathers and Scales" party in Christchurch (NZ) "this weekend" (ignoring the theme and clutching bottles of booze).

You can assume you can get to Christchurch if you're from out of town (probably by clinging to a passing truck or plane for a bloody long time), and that you can stay at secret Ninja HQ.

* Don't ask. It's just too awful.

Everything That Exists

You have no car. Even if you do have a car, it's in at the shop. Dunno, just can't get the parts these days...

You do have a large black gym-bag containing the following items:

You can leave this stuff at Ninja HQ when not in use. You can't sell items of this list to buy other items. You may ask for items you can grab "off the street" or from a junior grade Ninja's rather spartan living quarters; leaves, dog droppings, rice, single-ply toilet paper, that sort of thing. You also have your regular street clothes and your special ninja clothes. Run amok!